Random joke from this category
Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.
Then she wispered in his ear:
- I guess I'm just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.
Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said:
- You don't have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.
10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.
Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.
He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating:
- Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man.
Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.
Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating:
- Oh, I need a man. Ohhh, I need a man.
Once again he backs out quietly.
Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.
Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams:
- I GOT IT !!!!!!
JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING:
- OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE
What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?
→ 2 testtickles!
Man goes to the bar and says:
- bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.
The bartender says:
- Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.
The man says:
- Just pour them.
The man takes the first shot and the bartender says:
- Hey, you want to talk about it?
The man says:
- No!
and drinks the next 2 shots.
The bartender says:
- Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.
The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says:
- Ok, today was my first blowjob.
The bartender says:
- Hey great, have another on the house.
The man says:
- No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!
There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.
He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.
Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying:
- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.
Then the little boy runs down stairs:
- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.
Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down:
- honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!
What does a nun wear on a date?
→ A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:
- I had an affair with a woman - almost.
The priest says:
- What do you mean, 'almost'?
The man says:
- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest replies:
- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:
- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!
The man replied:
- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!
One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says:
- ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!
Wee jordy says:
- aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?
Well she says:
- i can tell by the gleam in your eye.
Walking along a bit further she says to him:
- wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss.
- well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?
- ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!
Walking along a bit further she says:
- wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me.
He says:
- aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!
"No!" she says...
- by the tilt in your kilt!
What is 6 inches long.....
Has a big head....
Woman love it?????
→ A $100 dollar bill!
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
