Random joke from this category
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
- Well - she said.
- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.
- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.
- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.
A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?
The father replies:
- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.
The boy goes and asks his mother:
- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?
The mother replies:
- Hell yes I would!
The little boy returns to his father:
- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'
The father then says:
- Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.
The boy asks his sister:
- Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?
The sister replies:
- Hell yes I would!
He returns to his father:
- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'
The father answers:
- Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.
The wive says:
- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.
So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:
- your dick tastes like shit!
The guy says:
- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.
A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.
He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.
- Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon. - says the little boy.
- Sonny, I think you're a little young for that. - replies the madam.
The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.
- One lady coming up. - says the madam.
- And I want her to have herpes - says the little boy.
- Why on earth would you want that? - asked the madam, and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean.
The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.
- One dirty girl, coming up - she says.
The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says:
- Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?
The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says:
- It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
- Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.
- Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
- Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!
Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
→ It's like a French kiss, but down under.
Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.
The first Texan said to the other:
- Think we oughtta help?
- Yep, reckon so - says the second.
The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks:
- Can you breathe?
- no - she shakes her head.
- Can you speak? - he then asks.
- no - she shakes her head, again.
With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.
She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.
The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile:
- Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.
In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.
Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.
In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.
In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).
In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens.
A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.
In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.
The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.
In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.
You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.
In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.
There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.
In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.
Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.
In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.
Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.
On the books in Tennessee:
In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.
In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.
In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.
In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!
It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.
It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.
New IRS Tax Policy
GOVERNMENT NOTICE
January 1, 1995
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to it's size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.
Please Note:
Please do not request an extension
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services
Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are.
