Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:
→ A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
→ Her husband wakes up.

The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he finally came over to our table and said:

- I am Polish and I can take a Polish joke as well as the next Polack, but your continued bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject?

We did.

Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and the burly Polack got up and followed him into the bathroom.

They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my friend:

- What happened in there?

He said:

- Well, you saw him follow me into the can.......

- Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME!

- Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN!

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it?
→ Money!!!

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
→ She gets her ass chewed out.

Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?
→ Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

- Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy.

- I won't come in your mouth, I promise.

- I'm not really married.

- It's only a cold sore.

- Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality.

- Size isn't important.

- This won't hurt, I promise.

- We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other.

- We'll always be together.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above)
If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

Why did the Polak put ice in his condom?
→ To keep the swelling down.

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says:

- Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies:

- That son, is the elephant's trunk.

- No, at the other end.

- That son is the tail.

- No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.

A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies:

- Thats nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question:

- Daddy, what is that long thing?

- That's the trunk, son - replies the father.

- No at the other end.

- Oh, that is the tail.

- No, no daddy, the thing below - asks the son in desperation.

- That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?

- Well mummy said it was nothing - says the boy.

Replies the father:

- I tell you, I spoil that woman ...

Why did the Polak cross the road?
→ He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.