Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Why did God create man?
→ Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
→ One squeeze and they're all over you.

What is a more macho man?
→ At the critical moment when he can't get it up, he asks the woman:

- Does this happen to you often?

Why did the man cross the road?
→ Because his penis told him to.
→ Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
→ So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just can't drive worth shit...)
→ Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
→ So oxygen can get to their brains.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.