Dirty Jokes — best jokes

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say:

- Fuck you!

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.

- What the heck is wolf style? - you ask.

That's when you sit by the hole and howl!

- Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

- Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.

- You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm! - he yelled.

- How can I? - she shot back.

- You're never here!

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become:

- What's for dinner?

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
→ There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse:

- I just don't know what to do with you! - he said, shaking his head.

- We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.

- I know, I know... - acknowledged the wife contritely.

- But at least I'm cutting back!

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says:

- Honey, I can explain!

- As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

- While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.

- As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said:

- Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?