Dirty Jokes — best jokes

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says:

- I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.

- Darling, this is going to be so good - she says.

- Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night.

In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase.

Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked:

- Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing!

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

- What's the matter, dear? - asks the woman at the front desk.

- Well - sniffed the girl.

- He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

- Oh honey - said the young nymph.

- Does that mean we're going to do it three times?

- No - said the old man.

- it means you can take your pick.

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says:

- She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought.

In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:

I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast, while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?

Signed, Worn Out

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

- Mother, Mother! - cried the girl.

- He says that we should sleep together!

- It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.

"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

- Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!

- It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

- Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!

- Stand back, girl! - says the mother.

- This is a job for a real woman!

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.

Her comments were as follows:

- My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

- My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

- My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.

- My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can...do; Those who can't...teach.'

- My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..

- My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

- My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

- My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

The wife said sweetly to her new husband:

- Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.

The husband looked at his wife and simply said:

- I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says:

- You are a terrible lover!

The man replies:

- How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband:

- That's happiness! That's happiness!

But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him:

- That's a penis?! That's a penis?!