Random joke from this category
After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.
- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.
The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.
- I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!
- Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?
- Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!
Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her.
The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.
The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies:
- a necklace and a vibrator.
- Why? - asks the second man.
To which the other man replies:
- Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.
A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary:
- What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?
He replied:
- I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.
She asked:
- And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?
- I think I did a damn good job!
- What's an orgasm, mom?
- I don't know, dear...ask your father.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!
Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other:
- My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.
- How does he know this for sure though? - asked the other woman.
- Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself.
To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.
On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
Your loving husband.
To my dear husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.
Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was:
- Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?
The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.
Your loving wife.
You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.
In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
