Christmas Jokes — best jokes

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

What do elves learn in school?
→ The Elf-abet!

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
→ "I don't like sprouts!"

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
→ Because he had low elf esteem.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
→ So he can ho-ho-ho.

Where do polar bears vote?
→ The North Poll.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
→ Ribbon hood.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's to far to walk.

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
→ Forty feet of track - all straight!

What kind of bird can write?
→ A PENguin.

How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
→ On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
→ Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
→ Fleece Navidad!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish.

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
→ Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle.

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ Okay everyone, sack time!!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
→ Snowflakes.

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
→ A subordinate claus.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
→ He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
→ Because the angel had said, "No L!"

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
→ Santa caught in a revolving door!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
→ Because it "soots" him!

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
→ Pour Santa flush on him.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
→ Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
→ Claustrophobic.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
→ Because every buck is dear to him.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
→ Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
→ It was wound up already.

What's a good holiday tip?
→ Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
An' all ower de hood
ereybody wuz' sleepin'
Dey wuz sleepin' good
We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That ol Sanna Clause
Be bringin' our check
All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Dance tru' dey heads
I passed out inna' flo
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho
And what did I see
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite
Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knowed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see
He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun' my neck
But he not leevin no prezents
Jus stealing my shit
Got my drugs, got my guns
Got my crack pipe...still lit!

Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da window he flewed
I woudda' tried to cut him
But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda' mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat sum of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

Murry Crimmus

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Happy Holidays to one and all!

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

"Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal" the salesman said.

"What makes him so special?" the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."

So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?"

"Well I don't know" answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing...

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

- Knock, knock?

- Whos there?

- Megan and chicken

- Megan and chicken who?

- He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out whos naughty and nice...