Christmas Jokes — best jokes

Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
10. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
11. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
12. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
13. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
14. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
15. Two words: lap rash

8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
10. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
11. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
12. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
13. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
14. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
15. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
10. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
11. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
12. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
13. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
14. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
15. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
→ Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
→ Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
→ Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
→ Santapplause!

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
→ Santa Jaws!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
→ Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
→ Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

What does Father Christmas call his money?
→ Iced lolly?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
→ Santa pause!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wenceslas

- Wenceslas who?

- Wenceslas train home?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Snow

- Snow who?

- Snow business like show business!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wayne

- Wayne who?

- Wayne in a manger...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Donut

- Donut who?

- Donut open till Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Oakham

- Oakham who?

- Oakham all ye faithfull...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Avery

- Avery who?

- Avery merry Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Holly

- Holly who?

- Holly-days are here again!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Rudolph

- Rudolph who?

- Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Igloo

- Igloo who?

- Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Mary

- Mary who?

- Mary Christmas!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
→ It's Christmas, Eve!

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
→ Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
→ The letter "D"!

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
→ Santa Claustrophobia!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
→ Black mail!

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
→ Because it soots him!

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
→ Elephanta Claus!

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?
→ Stacks!

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve?
→ Because he's Sooty!

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
→ She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
→ Ice caps!

What's an ig?
→ An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
→ Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
→ Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?
→ By iceicle!

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
→ A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
→ You wake up wet!

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
→ Frost bite!

How do you call an Eskimo cow?
→ An Eskimoo!

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
→ This one will sleigh you!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
→ Because they are both tail bearers!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
→ Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
→ Don't feed it!

Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
→ Because his brown ones were all muddy!

How long should a reindeer's legs be?
→ Just long enough to reach the ground!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
→ Because he didn't want to be recognised!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
→ The smallest ones!

Where do you find reindeer?
→ It depends on where you leave them!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
→ Baby reindeer!

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
11 instructions faulty,
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 sound cards silent,
11 instructions faulty,
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!