Business Jokes — best jokes

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said:

- Dude, thank goodness you showed up!

- I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said:

- Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em.

The friend said:

- Ok.

So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said:

- I want a vibrator. What do you have?

The friend said:

- We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.

The lady said:

- I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag.

He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said:

- I would like a vibrator, what do you have?

The friend replied:

- Red, black or white, large, medium or small.

The woman asked:

- Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?

The friend said:

- Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want.

So she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said:

- Thanks Dude, you're a life saver.

- So did you sell anything?

The friend said:

- Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant:

- Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The accountant didn't answer.

The Godfather asked again:

- Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The attorney interrupted:

- Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.

The Godfather said:

- Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back:

- I don't know what you're talking about.

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather:

- He doesn't know what you're talking about.

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said:

- Ask him again where the @#!* money is!

The attorney signed to the accountant:

- He wants to know where it is!

The accountant signed back:

- Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!

The Godfather asked:

- Well, what did he say?

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather:

- He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar comiserating. One says:

- Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass.

The second salesman says:

- Watch your mouth! There's a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m'aam.

The woman looks at him and says:

- That's OK. I'm a hooker. If I don't move some ass this month, I'm going to lose my furniture!

How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
→ He prawned everything!

Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of no-frills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.

- Do you always carry such heavy luggage? - she sighed.

- No more - the man said.

- Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!

Why was Dracula always willing to help young vampires?
→ Because he liked to see new blood in the business.

- Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time.

- Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time?

- Customer: No, you have to look at it.

How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
→ Collect!