At Work — best jokes

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people insane:

• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
• Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
• Dont use any punctuation in your emails
• Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?
• Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...

It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war... could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability!"

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...!!

"Supplies"!!

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'" She said, "'No, I'm not a widow.'"

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...

• They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
• Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!
• I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
• This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
• I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
• Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!
• I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.
• The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

The real interpretation of corportate titles:

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

• Leaps tall building in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a locomotive
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water
• Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT

• Leaps short buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a switch engine
• Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
• Walks on water if the sea is calm
• Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT

• Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
• Is faster than a speeding BB.
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
• Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT

• Barely clears a Quonset hut
• Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
• Can fire a speeding bullet
• Swims well
• Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER

• Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
• Is run over by locomotive
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
• Dog paddles
• Talks to animals

MANAGER

• Runs into buildings
• Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
• Is not issued ammunition
• Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
• Talks to walls

TRAINEE

• Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
• Says "look at the choo-choo"
• Wets him/herself with a water pistol
• Plays in mud puddles
• Mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY

• Lifts buildings and walks under them
• Kicks locomotives off the tracks
• Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
• Freezes water with a single glance
• To all of the above...is God!

• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
• You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
• You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
• When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.
• You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
• You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"