Animal Jokes — best jokes

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
→ He was looking for Pooh!

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.

The teacher held up a picture of a cat.

"What animal is this?" she asked. "A cat!" said Eddie.

"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"

"A dog!" said Eddie.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.

His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"

"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!"

"That's awful indeed!", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real bastard!"

"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets pissed off.

She goes bitching to Little Johnny's father. She comes to Little Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny fucking a goat in the front yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in the school and now....now he's being carnal with a goat in the front yard!" Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling, "Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!"

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."

"No, she isn't," said Johnny. "Why not?" "Because I ate her first!"

Little Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, "bitter end" in it."

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, "Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end."

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?"

Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."

Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!"

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"