Animal Jokes — best jokes

This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly. Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there, but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's neck." "Yeah," the kid replied.

"But I wouldn't have a siren."

The Hazards of Kicking the Cat There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out. The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass." The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass." Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.

Contact is made:

- Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.

- Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?

- Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.

- That's right. Over and out.

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.

- Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.

- OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?

- Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.

- That's right, Pig 2. Over and out.

An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

- Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?

- Kiki here, reading you loud and clear.

- Kiki, do you remember your instructions?

"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

What is the smartest blonde?
→ A golden retriever

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man. The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"

Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?
→ A retarded ape.

A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the horses mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off the horse.