A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
- You'll get your chance in court. - said the Desk Sergeant.
- No, no no! - said the man.
- I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says:
- Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
The man says:
- Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.
- Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.
- I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.
- Well, then we need a urine sample.
- I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.
- Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.
- I can't do that, officer.
- Why not?
- Because I'm too drunk to do that!
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
- Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said:
- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.
Indignantly, the man said:
- Why? Don't ye believe me?!
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
- Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said:
- Let's get off the corner people.
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again:
- Let's get off that corner... NOW!
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked:
- Well, how did I do?
- Pretty good, - chuckled the vet, especially since this is a bus stop.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says:
- It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says:
- My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says:
- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.
The woman answered:
- Well, I have contacts.
The policeman replied:
- I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
- What are those knives doing in your car? - asked the officer.
- I juggle them in my act.
- Oh yeah? - says the cop.
- Let's see you do it. So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says:
- Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
- Oy Morris, - said grandma.
- You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered:
- I wasn't lost..... I was just too tired to walk home.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said:
- Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!
- Don't worry, Bubba, - Earl said.
- We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.
- What fer? - asked Bubba.
- Just let me do the talkin', OK? - said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said:
- You boys been drinkin'?
- No, sir, - said Earl while pointing at the labels.
- We're on the patch.
