Best jokes

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked:

- Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?

- That it is, - Irish Mike replied grimly, - ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.

- You mean you pinched his honor? - asked Pat.

- How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? - demanded Mike.

- Well, - mused Pat, - there's a lesson in this somewhere.

- That there is, - replied Irish Mike.... - 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:

- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

- Ever go a fishin'? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.

- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added:

- Did you ever catch 'em all?

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said:

- Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000.

The client asked:

- What? How's that possible?

The doctor replied:

- You see, it's totally unused.

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said:

- I hear sirens. Jump!

The second one said:

- But we're on the 13th floor!

The first one screamed back:

- This is no time to be superstitious.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge said:

- What will you take....30 days or $30.

The man replied:

- I think I'll take the money.

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car in back of me."

A tourist asks a man in uniform:

- Are you a policeman?

- No, I am an undercover detective.

- So why are you in uniform?

- Today is my day off.

- When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.

- You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said:

- It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

- Donations! - I said.

- How much you got so far?

He said:

- about ten gallons.