Best jokes

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said:

- We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.

An Englishman said:

- We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.

The Irishman says:

- That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.

The American says:

- Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush:

- There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!

George Bush replies:

- Oh yeah and tell me what you see?

Osama answers:

- I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful.

George Bush says:

- Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street.

Osama asks:

- And what do they say?

George answers:

- Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other:

- What about the powerful interest that controls you?

And the other guy screamed back:

- You leave my wife out of this!

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."

- That is absurd - Gore stoically stated.

- When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am.

Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper:

- Honey, you have a pigeon on your head.

Why are Vampires Democrats?
→ They want Gore in 2000.

Why is Congress like a cold?
→ Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?"

"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

"NO!" exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?"

"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!"

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.

There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

- Because I'm not a liberal Democrat.

- Then - asks the teacher.

- What are you?

- Why I'm a proud conservative Republican - boasts the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

- Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.

The teacher, now angry, loudly says:

- That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?

The teacher paused and smiled.

- Then - Lucy said.

- I'd be a liberal Democrat.

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says:

- I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died.

So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:

- I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President

She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:

- I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die.

So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy:

- I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute

The boy replies:

- No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag.

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC.

He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked:

- Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?

- What? - the man huffed.

- Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?

- Well no - the tourist said.

- I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway.