Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.
His mate asked him what it was like.
- Australia's a great place! - Paddy replied.
- First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you want.
- Is that right? - said his mate very impressed.
- I always heard Australians were real pricks.
- Well - said Paddy.
- Only the white ones!
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. After a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After another while the irishman approaches her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?' She says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.'
An Australian joke...
St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up.
- Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss - he says.
In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and God tells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.
St Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says:
- they're gone
God says:
- the Abo's? Good. - and St Peter replies...
- NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!.
How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
→ With a crowbar.
Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
→ Because the little propellers cost extra!
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
→ A fur coat.
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
→ Somebody dropped a shekel.
What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by swallowing 100 pain killers?
→ After two he began to feel better.
A girl sat sobbing in the police station.
- I was raped by an Italian - she wailed.
- How do you know it was an Italian? - the detective asked.
- I had to help him - the girl replied.
There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says:
- God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both, and then kept on walking.
One bloke looks at the other:
- Who the fuck was that?
- Oh - said the other bloke.
- that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible.
The other bloke looked around and quickly says:
- Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing.
