Best jokes

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem.

- Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench. - He says.

He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her:

- Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?

- What? - She yells back.

- A Monkey Wrench!!? - He screams.

- What?

- MONKEY WRENCH!!?... MONKEY WRENCH!!?

- Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!

Jewish view on when life begins:
There's a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
→ Mace.

Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
→ To meet chicks.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
→ It saves time in the long run.

How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
→ Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells:

- HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!

- We're not all stupid ya know!

- Relax - said the ventriloquist.

- They're just jokes!

- Shut up, buddy - the hick replied.

- I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee.

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers:

- Operator, giff me beck the party!

She says:

- I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again.

He says:

- What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.

She says:

- I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again.

He says:

- Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!

And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say:

- We came to take your telephone out.

He says:

- Vy?

They say:

- Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.

He says:

- Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?

He goes to the telephone and dials:

- Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?

She says:

- Yes?

He says:

- Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!