Best jokes

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

- Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head.

- Jesus Christ! What happened?

- He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!

- Yeah, then what?

- Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....

- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?

- Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said:

- Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.

- Pa! - the young man stammered - do you know what that makes me?

- Yep - said the old man fingering the $50 - ... and a cheap one, too.

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said:

- What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear.

- I don't need to - said the first man. I just need to outrun you.

- Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.

- Guest: I'll make my own bed.

- Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. Murphy says:

- Paddy,

- I've got a problem.

- What's the matter? - replies Paddy.

- Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges.

- What's the picture of? - asks Paddy.

- It's of a big cockerel - Murphy replies.

Paddy says:

- Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look.

He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.

- Oh thanks for coming Paddy.

He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says:

- For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet.

A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona." The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

- My mother-in-law just tried to run me over! - the shaken man told the cop.

- The car hit you from behind - the officer said.

- How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?

- I recognized the laugh! - he replied.

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said:

- Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?

I said:

- Fire and theft.

Insurance agent frowned:

- Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

- WOW! - was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- 10 pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said:

- Just had him circumcised!