Best jokes

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.

As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says:

- Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?

The barber says:

- Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?

The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.

The barber says:

- What are you doing?

Cronin says:

- Well, fuck, I'm leaving now.

The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundreds of people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.

He's saying:

- You're all in my power...you're all in my power..

Fifteen hundred people are going:

- Oooo...

He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when he accidentally drops the watch.

He says:

- Shit.

It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.

A guy says to a salesgirl:

- I want to buy some toilet paper.

She says:

- What color?

He says:

- Just give me white. I'll color it myself.

Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.

The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says:

- Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?

This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.

- That's ridiculous! - he shouted at the pool manager.

- Everybody does it, you know.

- That may be so - came the reply,

- but usually not from the diving board.

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.

- Shit - said the first bloke,

- as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!

- What's the rush? - his mate asked.

- The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me - the bloke replied.

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:

- Sir! Please stop that immediately.

- Certainly, madame - replies the waiter with a bow,

- which way was it headed?

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

- It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell! - said the boy.

- Oh, shit! - said the farmer.

- You've shot the wife!

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly:

- cough drops and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said:

- What are you doing here, m'am?

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied:

- Well, I can suck em can't I?