Best jokes

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

- How'd you get that black eye?

- I called some woman a two-bit whore.

- She punched you?

- Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

Ralph and Charlie were playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said:

- Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die.

Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says:

- That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?

Ralph replies:

- I almost hit the pussy willows.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?" They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!"

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front desk says to him: "Thank you for coming."

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked:

- What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered:

- Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?