Top things you should not say to a judge:
- "I got your community service right here pal!"
- "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
- "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
- "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
- "No you robe wearing geek."
- "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
- "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"
10 signs Santa has been drinking:
- While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
- You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
- Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
- You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
- Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
- After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
- This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
- He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
- Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"
The top signs that your net relationship is over:
- All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
- Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
- Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
- You get a Dear John E-mai...
- Your name is Fred.
- They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
- She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
- She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job, it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
- During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:
- No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
- I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
- How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
- No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
- Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
- No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
- Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
- I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
- I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
- Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!
The top bad excuses for speeding:
- "This is my tryout for Nascar."
- "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
- "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
- "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
- "Cause those Gorditas rule."
- "Uh-Oh.. Wapner's on... I'm an excellent driver."
- "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
- "Umm.. I'm drunk?"
- "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"
The top signs that you have a boring job:
- You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
- You have visited every website in the world.
- You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
- You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
- You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
- Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
- You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
- Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
- In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.
10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:
- "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
- "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
- "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
- "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
- There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
- "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
- "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."
- "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
- "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
- "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."
Things you'll never hear a man say:
- Here honey, you use the remote.
- You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
- Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
- While I'm up, can I get you anything?
- Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
- Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
- Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
- Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
- We never talk anymore.
Ten things a cat thinks about:
- I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
- Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
- Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
- I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
- Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
- This looks like a good spot for a nap.
- Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
- Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
- If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
- If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
Top things you should not say at a funeral:
- Geez, what died in here?
- He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
- Nice service...where's the keg?
- When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
- Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
- Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
- You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
- Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
