Women Jokes — worst jokes

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.

"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors office. "I think I'm turning into a man."

Then the doctor says, "Now hold on little lady, what makes you think that you're turning into a man?"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest."

And then the doctor asked, "Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing?"

And then she replied, "All the way down to my dick."

Why do women have legs?
→ Have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??

Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
→ So they don't whistle on the way down...

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
Show up naked.

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.

Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?

1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:

1. All you'll ever need.
2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.

3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:

1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.

4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.

1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.

5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:

1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:

1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs !
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!

7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]

1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What's a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.

8. Define "male."

1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence."
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?

1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?

1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam

If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.

If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?

If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me... "

Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they never lie.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs." "Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
→ Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.