Women Jokes — worst jokes

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he makes his decision. Which women did he choose? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Have you made your guess? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
He marries........ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
The one with the largest breasts!

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! :)

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang:

- Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!

So Dr. Chang said:

- Take off all yu cwothes.

So she did. Then he said:

- Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.

So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said:

- I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!

The lady asked:

- What the heck is that?!

Dr. Chang replied:

- Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt!

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home
36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

- Oh my god, I am sooo sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

- Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

- You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

- No - she replies....

- You just happened to catch my eye. (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

- I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.

- Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?

- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

- I hate everybody, and you're next.

- Please don't make me kill you.

- And your point is ...

- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

- You KNOW you want me.

- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

- Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

- I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

- Do NOT start with me. You won't win.

- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

- All stressed out and no one to choke.

- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

- Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

- Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her:

- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:

- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!

A guy sitting nearby asked her:

- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?

- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?

- Hickory dickory dock!