Sex Jokes — worst jokes

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

- Brian: Yeah, sure.

- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

- Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

- Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

- Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

- Brian: Yeah, alright.

- Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

- Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

- Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

- Sharelle: Hi Brian.

- Brian: Hi Sharelle.

- Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

- Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

- Sharelle: O.K.

- Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

- Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

- Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

- Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

- Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

- Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

- Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

- Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

- Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

- Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

- Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

- Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence

How do you break the nose on a blonde?
→ You put a dildo under a glass table!

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"

The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"

"No problem," the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!! The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

There once was an old man from Trent,
Whose penis was crooked and bent,
And so to save trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

What did the banana say to the vibrator??
→ Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.

When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"