Sex Jokes — worst jokes

What do most women miss most about being single?
→ Having sex!

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
→ There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.

"I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free."

The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.

"I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!"

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

• We will wake the children.......17 times
• It's too late.......15 times
• I'm too tired.......5 times
• It's too early.......52 times
• It's too hot.......15 times
• Pretending to be asleep.......49 times
• Window open the neighbours will hear.......9 times
• Backache.......2 times
• Headache.......16 times
• Sunburnt.......10 times
• Your mother will hear us.......6 times
• Not in the mood.......21 times
• Will wake the baby.......17 times
• Watching the late TV show.......7 times
• Too sore.......9 times
• New hairdo.......4 times
• Wrong time of the month.......4 times
• You had to go to the toilet.......9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

• Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.......7 times
• Didn't come home.......29 times
• Didn't come.......14 times
• Came too soon.......26 times
• Went soft before you got in.......18 times
• Toes in cramp.......9 times
• Working late.......49 times
• Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat.......21 times
• In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls.......4 times
• Caught it in your zipper.......6 times
• Got a cold, your nose keeps running.......14 times
• Brewer's droop.......95 times
• Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue.......9 times
• Had a splinter in your finger.......4 times
• Lost the notion after thinking about it all day.......13 times
• Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.......8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?"

The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.

- He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She: Well, you succeeded!

They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true.

They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

When He Says - He Really Means

• Do you have the time? - to go to bed
• Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
• How are you? - in bed, I mean.
• I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
• I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
• I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
• I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
• I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
• I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.
• I'm in television. - I fix them.
• I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.
• I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.
• I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.
• I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.
• I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.
• I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.
• I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.
• I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
• I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
• I play the market. - Safeway
• I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.
• I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.
• Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.
• My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.
• My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.
• My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
→ A real man doesn't care.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, "Did you miss me?"

I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."