Sex Jokes — worst jokes

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"

"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded. "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."

This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?"

"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."

Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."

"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing to between his legs.

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?
→ She drops her nail file.

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?
→ Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

"Smitty," says Harry, "what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed!

"Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"

Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card".

"Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away!

"Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!".

Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well... I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard."

"Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style!

"Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?"

Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says...

"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!