Mom/Dad Jokes — worst jokes

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:

- I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.

- What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.

- Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.

- Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.

- And it hasn't got any arms either.

- What?

- Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear.

The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son.

"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"

"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says: "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, 'please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You god damn bitch, you ruined my life.'"

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."

Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I?"

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.

He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."

The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"

The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!"

"Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for dinner!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!'"

- Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?

- Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!

A little girl asks her father, "Where do little girls come from?"

The father says, "They come from a hard-on."

The little girl then asks her father, "Where does a hard-on come from?"

The father says, "Little girls!"

A young girl is speaking with her father.

- Daddy, what's that between your legs?

- That's my hedgehog.

- Wow, it's got a massive cock.