Mom/Dad Jokes — worst jokes

After having quadruplets, the mother named them... Adolph, Rudolph, Getoff, and Stayoff.

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.

If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Eric's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear.

Eric was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep.

After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"

If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddy's wallet.

- Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.

- Son: But I want to learn to swim?

One can pity the father with three kids in college. He tells his wife that they are getting poorer by degrees.

Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"

The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.

If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it's mine.