Military Jokes — worst jokes

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.

"What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!"

"I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"

How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.

How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ That is a military secret. If I told you I'd have to kill you.

How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
→ Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!"
The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
→ They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied.

"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.