Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling:

- Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?

- Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't.

- You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family.

So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling:

- Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?

- Hell no! They're too small and dainty!

- And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!

- I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife - the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl - but I don't know her size.

- Will this help? - she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

- Oh, yes - he answered.

- Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.

- Will there be anything else? - the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

- Now that you mention it - he replied - she also needs a bra and panties.

A clerk was showing a lady a very nice dress shirt and tie.

- Now this - the clerk said - is absolutely elegant. It is perfect for a man-about-town.

- Could be - the woman replied - but I'm looking more for something for a louse-around-the-house.

If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.

Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything was going. He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments. In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants. And at night, we both do what we both want."

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested:

- Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?

Her mother glared back at her and said:

- Don't talk about your father that way!

Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.

If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion. But what if he's right? That has not happened yet.

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman:

- Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied:

- No he didn't. He just walked in the door.

The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.

The woman smiled:

- So what?

The neighbor was surprised:

- It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?

The woman replied:

- I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.

Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.