Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.

The marriage counselor told him:

- If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.

She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!

As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.

The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed:

- Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau! - and hung up.

- What was that all about? - wife asked.

- Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!

A doctor rushed out of his study room.

- Get me my bag! - he shouted.

- Why, what's the matter? - inquired his pretty young wife.

- Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me - he gasped as he reached for his hat.

The young wife sighed.

- Just a moment - she said gently.

- I think that call was for me.

What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
→ Call her/him on the telephone!

- Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?

- Well, I suppose so.

- Would you and he sleep in the same bed?

- I guess we would.

- Would you make love to him?

- He would be my husband then, dear.

- Would you give him my golf clubs?

- No...

He's left handed.

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say:

- Fuck you!

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

- But why? - asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said:

- Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant.

The wife said:

- Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay.

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said:

- I am definitely leaving this time.

- Don't tell me you're pregnant again? - asked the lady of the house.

- No - she said.

- there are just too many kids here to pick up after!

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
→ You marry him!

- Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

- Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.