Random joke from this category
Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:
- I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.
To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied:
- That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too.
Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.
Two men are talking. The first sez:
- I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.
- Amazing - said the second
- I just got divorced for the very same reasons.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked:
- What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied:
- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
- No - he said
- I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It is made of concrete, brick and mortar - she responded.
- I mean - he continued
- What are your relations like?
- I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.
He said:
- Do you have a real grudge?
- No - she replied
- We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.
- Please - he tried again
- is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.
- Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?
- Yes - she responded
- about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked:
- Lady, why do you want a divorce?
- Oh, I don't want a divorce - she replied.
- I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave man, - said the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The husband turns to his wife and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife:
- That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver.
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said:
- Sorry Sam, it's for after.
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks:
- Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says:
- Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads.
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said:
- I was being the ring bear.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:
- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!
- Hell - said Herman.
- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!
These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.
When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was. His friend asked:
- I thought you were headed home?
The man replied:
- I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again.
His friend asked:
- Why's that?
The man replied:
- I almost got caught by the boss.
