Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips."
Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,

"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad,

and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
→ Divorced.

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."

Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
→ It's called wedding cake.