Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee.

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, can they still be brother and sister?

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

A Chinese man is making love to his wife. He whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna' 69!"

She gives him a strange look and replies, "You want Beef and Broccoli NOW?"

Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20 story building. The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The third worker is polish. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat polish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself."

The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Then the Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Finally the polish worker looks in his lunch box, sees a polish sausage sandwich. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death.

At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is sobbing out of control and cries, "Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed him a different lunch!" The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out of control and cries, "Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my husband a different lunch!" The polish workers wife isn't crying at all so the other two wives confront her.

"Don't look at me," she exclaims, "He packs his own lunch!"

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June.

I'm betting the baby will be late.

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and inless than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-likemanner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"