Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.

The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."

"Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married."

"Yeah?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.

Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.