Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married twice..."

The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was............. Oh God, I miss him!"

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, "I don't have a headache!"
He says, "Aha!"

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
→ They are four ways you can lose your house!

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."

The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."

The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."