Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the apartment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."

A man calls his family doctor:

- Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.

- Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.

- Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.

- Is this really your third marriage?

- Sure is.

- What happened to your first two wives?

- They died.

- How did your first wife die?

- She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

- What about your second wife?

- She died from a severe skull fracture.

- How did she get a skull fracture?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?
→ No more blowjobs.