Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?" the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."

What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
→ Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Why do you live like a NUN after you get married?
→ NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, NUN in the evening, NUN what so ever!

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'

- Was your wife a virgin when you married?

- I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.