Random joke from this category
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says:
- Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!
- I wouldn't worry too much about it - the doctor replies. Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.
- But you don't understand - the woman insists.
- He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
- Doctor, Doctor, - she called.
- I saw some movement!
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
- Well this is good news, - said the Doctor.
- I think we should call her husband and let him know.
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.
- I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex, - he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
- Oops, - he said.
- I think I choked her.
Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much better since his operation, but couldn't account for the enormous bump on the back of his head.
- Oh, that, - chuckled Mrs. Horntoot.
- Just before your operation they suddenly ran out of ether!
- Doctor, - the embarrassed man said.
- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas, - the medic said.
- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.
The doctor took the husband aside.
- You're in perfect health, - he said.
- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.
After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.
So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.
The doctor took time to reassure them:
- Don't worry - he said.
- Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.
So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully:
- Problems? - he said.
- Have I ever had problems, doc.! - the man replied.
- I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it.
- So what did you do? - said the doctor.
- We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!! But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.
The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.
Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.
The husband shouts:
- What the hell's happening?
To which the doctor replies:
- Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says:
- I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband:
- Hey, where's your ball?
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back:
- DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied:
- He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
