Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

- But, officer, I can explain - the man began.

- Just be quiet - snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

- But, officer, I just wanted to say

- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.

- I'm the groom.

As supposedly reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break?

- I Fought The Law, And The Law Won

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said:

- Wedding cake.

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone:

- June.

- Yes, this is June.

- Will you marry me?

- Of course I will! Who's this?

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

- Wife: No, I can't marry anyone after you.

- Johnson: But I want you to.

- Wife: But why?

- Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

What Exactly Is Marriage?
→ Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents - Eric, six years old
→ When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. - Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
→ You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. - Kelly, nine years old
→ My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. - Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
→ Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife - Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
→ They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. - Lottie, nine years old
→ My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. - Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
→ On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, ten years old
→ Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. - Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
→ You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - Allan, ten years old
→ Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
→ You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan - Kirsten, ten years old
→ It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them - Anita, nine years old
→ It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - Will, seven years old

At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons--all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.