Language Jokes — worst jokes

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren.

Old Phrase → New Phrase

1. No fucking way → I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2. Your fucking joking → Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck → Have you run that by................
4. No cunt told me → I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time → Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares → Are you sure that is the problem
7. Eat shit and die → You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker → You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my arse → So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick → He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit → I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue → You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked → We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you → You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head → Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker → You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you → I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks → We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt → I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off → I'll look into that and get back to you

Why don't oysters give to charity?
→ Because they're shellfish.

There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was english, called One-two-three.

The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. One day when they were running they came to a huge river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as far as they could.

Which cat drowned?
→ Un-deux-trois cat sank
(un deux trois quatre cinq)

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

R.A.P.: Retards Attempting Poetry

Isn't it fnuny taht yuo cna sitll raed tihs massege enve touhgh ist speelld inocretcly?

OLL! :p

1. I be God. Don' be dissin me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?" The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Why did the mirror cross the road?
→ To see itself!!