Language Jokes — worst jokes

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Ilene

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Irene

• George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
• Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
• Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
• Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
• The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
• Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em
• Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
• Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
• Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's
• A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
• The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
• Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
• President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

JUST FAUX FUN

- Can you loan me faux dollars ?

- What faux ?

- To buy faux diamonds.

- What do you need with faux diamonds ?

- I have sixteen, but I need faux more.

- Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?

- No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .

- You CAN'T be faux real ! Besides, I don't have faux dollars.

- Thanks faux nothing !

- Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?

- Well, it's faux pas.

- And why does pas need faux dollars ?

- 'Cause Ma SPENT all of his !

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle," replies the inventor.

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton," replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...

"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.

He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing.

And the guy replies - "I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that!"

"OK, OK..." says the barman, "Would you like a drink while you hunt?"

Immediately the hunter says, "Do you have any cheap Gin !!?"

Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies, "No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you'd like?"

"No" says the hunter and he starts to leave.

As he reaches the door the barman calls after him, "Btw pal... exactly what do you hunt?"

"I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn't you tell that - I'm a BarGIN Hunter!"

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here's what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton. I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler. He is the Alfa and the Romeo. He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras. He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged. Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee. If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos. He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta." He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross. But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk. He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals. Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle. Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!