Language Jokes — worst jokes

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

What do you use to fry a peter?
→ Peter Pan.

What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
→ Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Name two words that have no meaning.
→ Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

CURRENT PHRASE --- REPLACEMENT PHRASE

• NO FUCKING WAY --- I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
• YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING --- Really?
• TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK --- Have you run that by.......
• NO BASTARD TOLD ME --- I wasn't involved in that.
• I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME --- Perhaps I can stay and work on that.
• WHO FUCKING CARES --- Are you sure that's a problem?
• EAT SHIT & DIE --- You don't say.
• EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER --- You don't say, sir.
• KISS MY ASS --- So, you'd like me to help you.
• HE'S A FUCKING PRICK --- He's somewhat insensitive.
• SHE'S A BALL BREAKING BITCH --- She's an agressive go getter.
• YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE --- You could use some more training.
• THIS PLACE IS FUCKED --- We're a little disorganised today.
• WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU? --- You're new here, aren't you?
• FUCK OFF SHITHEAD --- Well, there you go.
• YOU'RE A FUCKING WANKER --- You're a senior member: I respect you.
• HA! SUCK EGGS --- I wasn't there that night.
• YOU'RE FUCKING PARANOID --- So, you're from Brisbane.
• YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS --- So, you're from Melbourne.
• FUCK OFF --- I'll look into it and get back to you.
• FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD --- We've got enough members thanks.
• HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? --- Well done!
• YOU FUCKING LOSER --- Gee, that was unfortunate.
• LIKE FUCKING HELL --- I don't believe I have the required training to accomplish that.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
→ They both involve sandy claws.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
→ Dis-gruntled.

Welcome to EBONICS 101

Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar...

"Damn- that shit is DOPE!"
→ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

"Can't FADE that."
→ I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.

"Shante ain't havin' it."
→ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

"Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats."
→ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

"YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"
→ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"
→ I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

"What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!"
→ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

"She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"
→ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time.

"Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!"
→ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

"STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER..."
→ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol.

"Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"
→ Why are the police officers always worried?

"Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."
→ It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

What do you call an unemployed jester?
→ Nobody's fool.

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
→ Make me one with everything.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River?
→ WET rocks.

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.

Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."

Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents." (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14.95").

A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special." (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Chinese proverb: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum."

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."