Animal Jokes — worst jokes

Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?
→ It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. "That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree." "Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?"

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.

The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.

"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."

Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

Why did the cactus cross the road?
→ It was stuck to the dumb chicken

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.. suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

What's green and has wheels?
→ A Frog
I lied about the wheels