Animal Jokes — worst jokes

Men are like...

Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

Why can't a man eat like a bird?
→ Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets?
→ To smell like big girls.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
→ Lipstick.

Why do they call it PMS?
→ Mad Cow disease was already taken.

• 17: Muffy the cat
• 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
• 66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

Why do women have legs?
→ Have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied.

"What do you think I am...
GAY???"