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Forty Years Of Sex

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.

- Only twenty years of normal sex life?

but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

- But I don't need twenty years - he protested,

- Ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly.

- Can I have the other ten?

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up:

- Can I have the other ten?

The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded:

- Can I have the other ten?

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Monkey At The Bar

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

- Did you see what your monkey did now? - he asks.

- Now what? - responds the patron.

- Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! - says the barkeeper.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

Three Wishes

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

- Aw, go on - the little old lady said in disbelief.

- if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?

The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said:

- I really get two more wishes?

- Yes - the good fairy assured her.

- Anything your heart desires.

- Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman.

Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.

- Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man.

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.

The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured:

- Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?

Bullfrog Does Oral Sex

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

- Would that suit your needs? - he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up.

She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

- You see? - she asked, petulantly.

- Yes, I do - said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said:

- Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time...

Praying Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say:

- Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says:

- PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

Centipede

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

- Who made that tackle? - asked the ant.

- I did - said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked:

- Who made that great stop?

- I did - said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede:

- Where were you in the first half?

The centipede replied:

- Puttin' on my shoes!

Bilingual Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.

- Well, - says the personnel director, - You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. - Also, - says the director, - You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

- There's one last requirement, - the director continues; - you must be bilingual.

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says:

- Meow!