Animal Jokes — worst jokes

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

- No - she says,

- they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy:

- That's it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said:

- Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said:

- Should I tell her or should you?

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

- I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says:

- No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

The guy says:

- You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

The bartender says:

- Only if what you show me ain't risque.

- Deal! - says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says:

- You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

- Money or another miracle else no drink - says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says:

- It's a deal.

He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy:

- Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.

- Not so - says the guy.

- The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.

So... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first?

The one who swam, of course, because:

- Da oily boid gets da woim.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?

- Olive ?

- Yeah, you know:

- Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's too far to walk!

What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."