Animal Jokes — worst jokes

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?

- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

- Where does a kitten go when it dies?

- God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said:

- But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?

What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
→ A bald eagle!

How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says:

- My cock is longer than that cat's tail.

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says:

- Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?

- From the asshole. - says the bartender.

- Well, kindly do me the same favor.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
→ So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
→ Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked:

- Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!!

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.