Animal Jokes — worst jokes

A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.

He sits down and the doctor says:

- What's the problem?

The frog says:

- Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?

Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap - she chewed off three legs and was still stuck!

Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ They forgot the words......

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says... "Why the long face?"

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner:

- I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do.

Resigned, the man signed and said:

- Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?

- Three-hundred fifty dollars - the doctor replied.

- Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead! - the man stammered.

- Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.

Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.
→ Because they travel in schools.

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper says:

- Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk:

- Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting:

- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated:

- I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.

The guy says:

- Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says:

- What about that little stable over there? What's that for?

- Well - says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment:

- you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence:

- PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon.

- Tell me, is the camel free this afternoon - the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear.

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative:

- How about I schedule you in for 2:00?

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

- Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?

What does a bee do with it's stinger before he goes to bed???
→ He put's it in his honey!!